Saturday, July 25, 2015

A Letter For You

My Dear Friend,

I miss Bong so much. That is actually an understatement. My heart longs and aches for his presence. I've been wanting to write about this new chapter in our life. I just have not mustered the courage to do so- until now. I know this is going to be difficult since I need time alone to write. Yet when I am alone and start thinking about Bong, my tears well up and I feel like my heart is going to explode. I don't wanna be alone. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and think about Bong. That is when the emptiness and the pain is so profound. I'd rather whisper a quick prayer and force myself to go back to sleep and wake up when the kids are awake. Waking up with them revives my soul. I cannot wallow in grief and sadness since they need me. But I realized I need this time alone to reflect on God's goodness. I need to write to share the lessons God is teaching me. I need to write to share you my struggles so you know how to pray for me and my family. I need to write to remind you to always pray for us. I'm desperate for your prayers because I know it is impossible to go through this trial without God's mercy and grace.

Part of my struggle is having regrets. Regrets about the time we did not get to spend together as a family. I wish Bong did not have to travel a lot the past few months. I wish I bothered him more about seeing the doctor regularly and finding a new one when we moved. I wished I forced him to take that well deserved vacation from work. I wish he had enough reason to say no to the new work assignment.  I wish we knew his life will be this short. We could have cherished our last few months together. I know there's no point thinking about the what ifs and what could have been. I cannot prolong his life. No one can. I know Bong is in a better place now. He believes in Jesus as His Lord and Savior. God has saved him from eternal wrath through Jesus' blood. Jesus is eternal life and Bong has eternal life in Jesus. I just cannot help but think that it could have been better if he was terminally ill, at least there was enough time to say goodbye. Maybe it won't be this painful. Maybe. 

I know God has a purpose for this pain. I know that this affliction is momentary and it is producing for me an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. There are many Scriptures that the Holy Spirit brings to mind regarding pain and suffering and its benefits. Yet I struggle with accepting the truth. It is so difficult to think of the end result when my heart is wounded. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when my eyes are covered with tears and my feet cannot bear another step through this tunnel. But then again I realized Christ is my light in the darkness. He is with me thru this trial. My head knows the truth but my heart cannot accept it. Now I understand better why the heart can be deceitful. I have to cling onto the Lord. I cannot lose hope. I cannot rely on my own understanding. I cannot lose the lessons He is teaching me. I can grieve with hope and I can glorify Him thru this suffering.

Those are my struggles. I covet your prayers. To Him be all the glory!

In Christ,



Thank you for always praying for me and the kids. I want to share with you my new favorite song:

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI).