Sorrowful Yet Always Rejoicing

The transcript below is from the testimony I shared during our church's anniversary on Oct. 10, 2015.

It's only been three and a half months since my husband Ferdinand ‘Bong’ Ballon went home to his Lord and Savior. Yet it feels like forever since the last time he was with us. Many of you are wondering how the kids and I are doing. By God’s grace we are doing well. Many times Em-j would still cry for Daddy. She also said that it is boring without Daddy (and I do agree with her!). Zek would always say “I wish Daddy is still here. I miss him so much.”  I took a video of him one time and he said “See you in heaven, Daddy”- he’s been used to sending Daddy videos when he is away. Eunice gets my phone and pretends to talk to Daddy. Our wounds are still fresh. Never a day goes by that we don’t long for Bong’s presence. The celebrations and milestones in the kids’ life are not as joyous now that he is gone. The daily challenges of parenting are more difficult to bear without him.

As for me, I’ve been going through moments when I would wrestle with the Lord. I was thinking that Bong and I just wanted a simple life and we desire to glorify Him in every decision we make. We desire to serve Him and be a blessing to those around us wherever He leads us. I feel a sense of entitlement to something better than this hardship.  Yet I know that I am being prideful and self-righteous. I know I deserve Hell yet He gave His Son to be my Savior. This trial is nothing compared to Hell. It’s just difficult. I am not prepared to bury the most precious person in my life at a young age, more so when his passing away is so sudden.

To be honest with you, the spiritual battle is real. It’s easy to be selfish and focus on my pain. It’s easy to just give up instead of persevere through this trial. Sometimes I feel like it is pointless to persevere since Bong is not here any longer. There were moments when I feel like things are meaningless without him. But then again I remember Bong’s reminder for me to keep my focus on the Lord. I’d still hear him say “Trust God more than you trust me. Love God more than you love me.”

  

I have to accept the fact that it is God’s will for Bong to have a short life here on Earth. As his wife, that is something that is not easy to do. In my perspective, the kids and I need him here forever. I feel sorry for my kids that they will grow up without Bong's wise counsel, protection, love and leadership in our family especially in this evil times. However, I have to remember that God has given me Bong to be my husband, but he is not mine forever.  Bong is God’s and I have to let him go. And that takes away any hint of bitterness in my heart, knowing that God in His holiness and faithfulness does not intend to harm the kids and I by calling Bong home. As Job said “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord”.

That is one reality in life that we all have to face. Our lives are not ours. It is God’s. We cannot live our lives any way we want. The truth is we are all sinners in need of God’s mercy. We deserve hell and yet God in His goodness sent Jesus to seek and save us. Only through surrendering our lives to the Lord that we can find deliverance from God’s wrath. I’d say it once again, if you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, don’t delay. Believe me, tomorrow may not come. Seek Him now! Seek Him while He may be found. Repent of your sins and believe that Jesus died for our sins and He rose again!

That is the same gospel I share with Em-j and Zek when they ask me questions about heaven and life in general. Yet I must admit the challenge is not just with sharing the gospel but living it out day-by-day, moment-by-moment in the midst of pain and sorrow. And that’s when over and over again I cling to the cross and I experience the power of the gospel in my life. I can rejoice and sing:

“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, All fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future and life is worth the living, Just because He lives!”

Bong is with the Lord now. As much as we want him here with us or better yet the kids and I be with him in heaven right now, we are alive to proclaim and live out the gospel. We have become heavenly-minded. We long for the Lord’s return more than ever. Yet until that day that He comes back or calls us home we need to trust and obey Him.

As I’ve said, the spiritual battle is real. Only by God's grace that I can sleep in peace. Only by God's grace that I can get up in the morning and face each day with hope. Only by God’s grace that I can hold on to His promises that He will never leave me nor forsake me- that this light momentary affliction is preparing for me an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. Only by God’s grace that I can stand before you today, rejoicing and finding comfort that one day I will be reunited with Bong and worship Christ face to face. O the richness of God's grace!! And the same grace he gives me is the same grace He can give you in any situation you are in right now.

I continue to ask for your prayers. Please pray that I won't be fearful and grow weary; that I will stay strong and endure the pain and persevere through this trial; that I will continue to grow and mature in the Lord; that the kids will grow up in the fear and knowledge of Christ our Savior and Lord.

(Thank you for caring for my family. I cannot imagine going thru this trial without the loving and constant support from all of you. This church has been a blessing to myself and my family).

Thank you so much and to God be the glory.

When God said "No"

"The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law." Deuteronomy 29:29

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He." Deuteronomy 32:4
 


Tonight while Em-j was reading her Bible, she said "Mommy, when Paul was preaching, a young man seated on a window sill fell (Acts 20), he died but Paul healed him. How come God did not heal Daddy?" I was stunned by her question. I was speechless for a while. I dread the time that she will ask me this question and I did not expect it to be this soon. I was not prepared. I know that was an honest question coming from a daughter who missed the Daddy she loves so dearly. She then started crying and calling for Daddy. I know I told her "God did not heal Daddy here on Earth but remember there is no more pain in Heaven, so Daddy is healed in Heaven". I tried to console her some more but then I started crying with her. In my effort to console her, I must have said some other statements that did not make sense because honestly, Bong's early passing does not make sense to me. We want him here with us. We were supposed to help each other in raising the kids. He still has so much to teach them. He still has to discipline Zek because he listens to him more than he listens to me. Eunice is so young and I feel bad that she won't get to know Daddy as much as Em-j did.

When Bong was brought to the hospital by the paramedics, the kids and I knelt down before the Lord. We asked God to take care of him. While I was getting ready, I told the kids that I will be back with Daddy or if he cannot go home soon we will all visit him in the hospital. Few hours later, we found out he did not make it. My life was shattered. I cannot believe it. My first reaction was "God, why did you say no to our prayers!? What am I going to tell the kids when they ask for Daddy?"

We did not get to kiss Daddy goodbye as we always do when he leaves the house. The night before, when he put Em-j and Zek to bed, the kids must have told him "Good night Daddy. We love you. See you in the morning". That was their last good nights and I love yous to each other. They did not see each other the next morning. They woke up to a house full of visitors. Yet at the end of the day, Daddy did not come home. That happened on a Saturday- a day we always look forward to because finally Daddy is home with us the whole day. That weekend was also extra special because it was Father's Day that Sunday. But he did not make it to Father's Day. When Em-j is sad and crying for Daddy, she'd say "we did not get to give Daddy his Father's Day gift". She'd also say "Daddy will miss my birthday...how come he only get to live up to 40 years old?" I do not know what to tell her. I usually end up crying with her and together we yearn for Daddy's presence. I would cry to the Lord to comfort Em-j and to give her joy.  I'd hug her so tight and tell her I love her so much. I wanted to tell her I'm always here for her. But I'm scared to say those words because I'm not sure what tomorrow brings. I'm scared that I won't be here for her tomorrow. I would earnestly pray to the Lord to give me long and fruitful life. I wanna be here for her and Zek and Eunice tomorrow and the next day and each and every day of their life. I wanna see them grow and mature in the Lord. I wanna be here for them every step of the way.

When Em-j finally stopped crying and was in a happier spirit, we were able to read again, talk and sing and pray. I told her that whenever I ask Daddy tons of questions about life, he would say "I do not know everything Tyaron, but God knows everything. Trust Him more than you trust me. Love Him more than you love me. We'll keep praying and trusting God". So I told Em-j the same thing- that I do not know everything. I do not know all the answers to our questions but we can trust God because He is wise and He does not make mistakes. She smiled and said, "Mommy, I am ready to sleep now".

Then I realized God did not really say no to our prayers. We asked Him to take care of Daddy and He did. Daddy is safe in the presence of the Lord. He is absent in the body, but present with the Lord. He is truly healed.

I know that more questions will arise as we go thru this trial. I pray that we will be like Job who did not sin or charge God with wrong (Job 1:22). Maybe that day will come when we will fully understand the reasons behind God's plans. Or perhaps when the Lord comes back or He takes us home, all our questions won't matter anymore because all we would desire to do is worship Him and enjoy His glorious presence. O how I look forward to that glorious day!!! My heart cries, "Lord, come quickly!". Yet until that day comes, the kids and I will share and live out the Gospel of Jesus Christ. With the Lord's help, we will let this pain be a platform for His Gospel and we will testify of God's faithfulness. As difficult as it is, we will submit to His will.

To God be the glory!

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A Letter For You

My Dear Friend,

I miss Bong so much. That is actually an understatement. My heart longs and aches for his presence. I've been wanting to write about this new chapter in our life. I just have not mustered the courage to do so- until now. I know this is going to be difficult since I need time alone to write. Yet when I am alone and start thinking about Bong, my tears well up and I feel like my heart is going to explode. I don't wanna be alone. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and think about Bong. That is when the emptiness and the pain is so profound. I'd rather whisper a quick prayer and force myself to go back to sleep and wake up when the kids are awake. Waking up with them revives my soul. I cannot wallow in grief and sadness since they need me. But I realized I need this time alone to reflect on God's goodness. I need to write to share the lessons God is teaching me. I need to write to share you my struggles so you know how to pray for me and my family. I need to write to remind you to always pray for us. I'm desperate for your prayers because I know it is impossible to go through this trial without God's mercy and grace.

Part of my struggle is having regrets. Regrets about the time we did not get to spend together as a family. I wish Bong did not have to travel a lot the past few months. I wish I bothered him more about seeing the doctor regularly and finding a new one when we moved. I wished I forced him to take that well deserved vacation from work. I wish he had enough reason to say no to the new work assignment.  I wish we knew his life will be this short. We could have cherished our last few months together. I know there's no point thinking about the what ifs and what could have been. I cannot prolong his life. No one can. I know Bong is in a better place now. He believes in Jesus as His Lord and Savior. God has saved him from eternal wrath through Jesus' blood. Jesus is eternal life and Bong has eternal life in Jesus. I just cannot help but think that it could have been better if he was terminally ill, at least there was enough time to say goodbye. Maybe it won't be this painful. Maybe. 

I know God has a purpose for this pain. I know that this affliction is momentary and it is producing for me an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. There are many Scriptures that the Holy Spirit brings to mind regarding pain and suffering and its benefits. Yet I struggle with accepting the truth. It is so difficult to think of the end result when my heart is wounded. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when my eyes are covered with tears and my feet cannot bear another step through this tunnel. But then again I realized Christ is my light in the darkness. He is with me thru this trial. My head knows the truth but my heart cannot accept it. Now I understand better why the heart can be deceitful. I have to cling onto the Lord. I cannot lose hope. I cannot rely on my own understanding. I cannot lose the lessons He is teaching me. I can grieve with hope and I can glorify Him thru this suffering.

Those are my struggles. I covet your prayers. To Him be all the glory!

In Christ,

Rona


P.S. 

Thank you for always praying for me and the kids. I want to share with you my new favorite song:

In The Valley 

VERSE 1
When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

CHORUS
Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

VERSE 2
In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI).

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2013 Highlights

A blessed New Year to all! I've been looking forward to writing a review of our 2013. I thought the Christmas break from homeschooling will give me extra time to catch up on blogging and planning for the New Year. I was wrong! I used up all the extra time to organize the kids' toys and clothes and I've been going to bed early (but lately, I've been waking up around 2 in the morning and I only get to go back to sleep once Daddy goes to work- which is around 5:30). Can I please blame it all on my pregnacy hormones?hehe...

Though this is kinda late (based on my personal calendar), I'm really glad I finally get to look at our 2013 pictures! It was a joy to be reminded how God has been faithful, and to see how the kids are growing- way too fast actually! Here are the highlights of our 2013. Hope you all enjoy it. To God be the glory!:)

JANUARY
Finally! I was able to finish all the paperworks and take the Oath of Citizenship. I came here on October 2007 and the paperworks for the adjustment of my status seems neverending. Not to mention the expensive processing fees!ha! Thank God it's over and I got to shred tons of documents we kept for almost 6 years.

FEBRUARY
Our church co-hosted a sister church's Missions Conference. For the first time, Em got to dress up in a saya and kamison (traditional Filipiniana outfit). It was also nice for her and Z to witness a showcase of Filipino tradition. 

Here are more pictures from the Missions Conference.

MARCH
Praise God that Z's eczema is getting under control; we also get to snap several photos of him (he doesn't like taking pictures). This is one of my favorite pics of them on Resurrection Sunday. It reminds me of how it is growing up with my brother. 

1985; 2013 

APRIL
Z turned 2!!! He was so happy that he gets to sit facing forward. We usually keep our babies' carseat rear-facing during the first two years. 

We've been praying for a new addition to our family. In anticipation of God answering our prayers, we started Kindergarten on April 15- hoping to finish several months before the baby arrives. 

It's only been less than a year and I cannot believe how Em and Z has grown and learned a lot! 

MAY
Em was so excited to see her favorite flower bloom. She looks forward to planting sunflower again this year.

JUNE
Z's food allergies and eczema made naptime, mealtime and bedtime a big challenge! We thought of potty training him and see how he is going to like it. We were truly surprised that he was ready for it and he was diaper-free within two weeks. Praise God that there is something easy about Z...lol!

JULY
Daddy and Em loves to garden. Em was so excited to harvest some eggplants for the first time and make it into her favorite omelet. She loves to plant and when asked what she would like to become when she grows up, she'd say she is going to become a Farmer Mommy! hihi :)

AUGUST

Guess who turned five year old this year? Oh yeah, our little baby girl is not little anymore (huhuhu..). She's been looking forward to visiting Disneyland on her 5th birthday. She wanted to go back but we told her maybe on Z's 5th birthday. That will be 3 years from now- which means a lot of time to save up for another costly Dland visit.

SEPTEMBER

Obviously, our family enjoys gardening. Below is our largest and sweetest watermelon harvest. 

OCTOBER
We rarely go on family vacations for the following reasons: (1) it's hard to go anywhere with a small baby with multiple food allergies and severe eczema; and (2) it's expensive. I also like to say that I'm on vacation all the time- because I am a stay-at-home mom. I always praise God for the opportuniy to stay home and homeschool our kids. Yet, a simple vacation like this is something we all treasure- a short break from everyday life and a chance to enjoy God's blessings and creation away from home. It's also an advance celebration of our 6th wedding anniversary- since it's too cold for me to go anywhere during our anniversary week. 

The highlights of our vacation: 

-Em was happy to meet Elmo. 

-She wanted to sit on the "wet zone" while watching Shamu, Daddy and Mommy were not thrilled about that and we had to decline her request. 

-Both Em and Z enjoyed the penguins and Em saw her favorite flamingos.

-Enjoying barbecue, tea and pillow fight.

-Before heading home, we were able to visit a "humpkin patch" (as Z calls it). It was Em's first time sliding on the ginormous slide. Z was not happy with the mess and started cleaning the hay, he said "it's messy!". Em was ecstatic to get to be the train conductor.

NOVEMBER
We celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on the 11th, and two days before Thanksgiving, we got to find out the gender of our new baby. Tada! It's a G-I-R-L! An answered prayer for Em. :)

DECEMBER
In 2012, we did the Names of Jesus lessons. This year, we used the Jesse Tree lessons for Advent. The kids decorated their tree with ornaments that correspond to each lesson. 

It was indeed a blessed year for us. Trials and problems came but indeed, God is faithful. To Him be the glory! :)